Foreign Policy by Dummies

There seems to be some confusion about the president’s foreign policy, so here is a guide that might prove useful. By the policy-maker in chief, himself, as told to this writer during a nightmare.

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It starts with my devotion to the Rule of Awe. Unlike the wimps that proceeded me in office, and that goes all the way back to George Washington, who was so afraid of foreigners that he wanted to avoid any entanglements with them, I intend to inspire awe, to prove to our allies and enemies that I am Awe-full. I also want them to know that Zhou Enlai had it wrong when he tweeted that diplomacy is the continuation of war by other means. Not for this president. It’s the other way around. War is diplomacy by other means.

Diplomacy is so yesterday. Meeting after meeting to prepare for more meetings. I don’t need preparation. I can walk into a room and tell in an instant whether I can do business with the other guy. Just as I could when negotiating the bankruptcies of several of my businesses. Which is why the State Department doesn’t need experts that just cost a lot of money to brief me on stuff I don’t need to know in order to come out of a meeting and say I won. If there are some facts that are important, I’ll pick them up on Fox and Friends.

Keep one thing in mind-every country has been ripping us off and now is the time to end that. Actually, not every country: Just our allies. Which is why we need a wall. Especially on our northern border. For one thing, a wall would keep out all the stuff Americans want to buy from Canada. For another, it would prevent Americans from going to Canada. Suppose I do decide to start a war, maybe with Germany to shut up that bossy Angela Merkel and let her peddle her cars somewhere else. Last time we had a war lots of Americans fled to Canada to avoid the draft, which I didn’t have to do because a doctor said I had bone spurs in my heels and “gave me a letter, a very strong letter on the heels.” [Ed: This is a direct quote, from the New York Times on August 1, 2016. The letter has never been produced.] Unless we build a wall on our northern border, those draft dodgers will do it again. Besides, if we had a wall that back-stabbing prime minister wouldn’t be able to come here and make annoying remarks about all the services Canadians buy from us to more than offset the goods we buy from them. Trudeau can’t con me. If we sell so much to Canada, why don’t I see any factories that turn out software, whatever that is, and use coal to run their boilers?

An important part of our foreign policy is to distinguish friends from enemies, something my predecessors never got right, especially Harry Truman, who poured billions into European countries that now steal our jobs. Mexico refuses to pay for a wall and to stop all those illegals carrying drugs and babies from coming into our country. The Canadians won’t let our farmers sell to them. The Europeans are trying to tax our companies and fine them because they are monopolies, and American monopolies at that, and won’t pay their share of the cost of defending themselves from my soon-to-be friend Vladimir, who exports valuable poisons free of charge. The South Koreans won’t take our cars and cost us a fortune when we engage in war games that threaten our friends in North Korea. And Shinzo Abe is a lousy golfer.

We need friends like Kim Jong-un. But he has to be handled carefully, like none of my predecessors could figure out how to do. According to the North Korean press Kim’s father shot a 38-under-par 34 on the 7,700-yard Pyongyang golf course the first time he picked up a set of clubs-not the kind used on dissidents, but the golf clubs that made their way through the embargo. And this on a course where most golfers struggle to break 90! That’s not fake news like we get from the bankrupt New York Times-it’s from the official North Korean newspaper.

Kim has those genes so although I am being criticized for a summit performance at which I shrewdly traded away every position my weak-kneed diplomatic team insisted on for a photo op, I didn’t (yet) invite him to Mar-a-Lago for a round of golf. Because I know that the president of the United States is never supposed to lose. I’ll just play another round with Abe.

The key to the success of my foreign policy has been a clever selection of allies. My friend Rodrigo can teach us a thing or two about how to handle drug dealers-shoot any suspected dealers, no trial or even proof necessary. Vladimir Putin, who knows a thing or two about how to win elections, and how to influence ours, and how to acquire real estate from his neighbors, will come around after he is exposed to my personal charm. Kim is already a friend-if you doubt that then take a look at the buddy movie our security people made and Ia waved when I got back from Singapore, saying it assured denuked peace in our time.

And China’s Xi has been a buddy from Day One, and will stop stealing our intellectual property (whatever that is) when he sees that America means business when we say we want him to cut back exports to us and send that stuff to ruin the economies of other countries.

And if I am looking for a role model, which I don’t really need and none of my predecessors can provide, Xi, president-for-life, is the guy.

[Ed. Note: Foreign Policy by Dummies will be available soon, but not from Amazon, which is totally biased because it owns the fake news Washington Post.]